MacComedy

Visit will upgrade his Reality Distortion Field, clearing way for enslavement of humankind in 2012.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs will not be the keynote speaker at MacWorld Expo 2009 due to a return trip to his home planet in the Draco constellation to prepare for the alien takeover of Earth on December 21, 2012.

Jobs, a commander in the Draconian Galactic Army, took human form on February 24, 1955 with the mission of eventually conquering the planet and claiming it as a second home for the Draconian species.  As Jobs matured, the Drac’s realized that creating a computer company in the 1970’s might be the perfect vehicle to prepare the world for global domination.  The Drac’s sent Jobs the Reality Distortion Field (RDF) in 1975 which Jobs first used on Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, forcing him to build the Apple I personal computer kit.

Since then, Jobs has used the RDF to create Apple followers all around the world.  Small advances are seen as breakthroughs.  Interesting developments become turning points or huge leaps forward.  Products that people would normally dismiss are seen as “must haves” by all those under the control of the Reality Distortion Field.  Most importantly, the word of Steve Jobs becomes gospel.  He can do no wrong and his followers (or “fanbois”) will follow his every command.

Jobs will be leaving for the Draco constellation on January 2, 2009 and will not return to Earth until January 9, 2009, missing the MacWorld keynote by three days.  While he’s gone, the Drac’s will be making his RDF even stronger, preparing him for his rise to power over the next four years.

Apple has stated that 2009 will be its last appearance at MacWorld.  MacWorld keynotes were the primary place the Reality Distortion Field was used.  Due to the power increase from the upgraded RDF, Apple will no long need MacWorld as a platform to send its mind altering influence to the masses once Jobs returns.

A leaked Draconian memo includes several important points on their roadmap to world domination:

• iPhones will fall in price and, due in part to the increased power of the RDF, be impossible to resist.  By the beginning of 2012, Apple’s cell phone market share will exceed 90 percent.
• Microsoft will “disappear” in 2011.  (details are not revealed in the document)  This will cause Apple’s OS market share to skyrocket to 96 percent by 2012.
• iPods will continue their growth and capture a 95 percent market share by 2012.  By the end of 2009, all iPods will have WiFi and Bluetooth built-in.
• 2009 will be a big year for AppleTV.  Apple will slash its price to just $29, writing it off as a “loss leader” in order to get the device into as many homes as possible.  The iTunes store will offer every TV show and movie ever made through the device.  The new AppleTV will play Blue-ray movies and will also double as a gaming system that will be compatible with games for the Microsoft Xbox, Sony Playstation and Nintendo Wii.  According to projections, 20 percent of US homes will own an AppleTV by the end of 2009, 35 percent by the end of 2010, 60 percent by the end of 2011 and 85 percent by the end of 2012 when the “big switch” is pulled.

By the time December 21, 2012 hits, over 90 percent of the world’s population will own something from at least one of Apple’s four main product lines — Mac, iPhone, iPod and AppleTV.  On this day, all these devices will echo the Reality Distortion Field through their wireless connections, blanketing the globe, resulting in control of practically every human being on Earth.  The memo refers to this day as “Reptilian Conquest Day”.

It is unclear what will happen after this time, but prophecies have foretold of this day for years.  December 21, 2012 is the end of the Mayan calendar.  Revelation 6:1-8 speaks of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which may refer to Apple’s four product lines — the Mac, iPhone, iPod and AppleTV.  Is it a coincidence that Apple’s first computer was priced at $666?

Some have wondered if Jobs is the only Draconian at Apple.  Other suspected Draconians include Phil Schiller, Apple’s Senior VP of Worldwide Product Marketing and Jonathan Ive, Apple’s Senior VP of Industrial Design.  However, skeptics point out that only one Draconian equipped with an RDF is really needed by Apple at this time.  The others may simply be humans under Jobs’ control, unaware of their boss’s true identity.

Draconian technology is believed to have been used in many of Apple’s products, including the original iMac, multi-touch gesturing and hydrogen enclosed notebooks.

While the next four years look to be exciting for Apple fans, civilization could be kind of a drag after that.  And I, for one, welcome our new reptilian overlords.